Thursday, January 23, 2014

Miscarriage. It's Going To Be Okay.

We were pregnant once before.  We started telling loved ones before our first sonogram.  We were so excited we couldn't contain ourselves.

Somewhere between 7 weeks and 12 weeks, we lost our baby.  We found out during our 2nd trimester sonogram that the pregnancy just didn't take.  We lost our shit in the room once we found out.  The technician looked as though she never saw people crying before.  It was all so surreal.  We couldn't believe it.  We exited the hospital and and sat in the car crying, and calling the people we prematurely told.  "This is why you wait to tell people until you know for sure, because calling everyone to let them know totally blows," I said.  It was like we were the only ones on earth who ever lost a baby.  We had no idea.  No one ever really talks about it...

...Until you do, and you find out how common it is.

I was shocked at how many people I know that had lost a baby or two, or three, or more before they had their kids.  Like I said, no one talks about it, and why would they want to?  It sucks so bad.  What seemed so bleak turned to a great awareness.  One friend congratulated me on the miscarriage, "Hey man, that's great, now you KNOW you can have kids.  This is a really good thing!"  That one turned me around. 

My wife had to have surgery to have the fetus removed since it didn't come out on it's own.  It was hard, and weird.  That day at home, while recovering, a bird flew into the sliding glass door and died instantly in front of my wife.  Then when we went for a walk later that day, a dead cat was laying at the foot of our stoop stairs.  What a weird, fucking thing!  Deaths really do come in threes (a bad joke, but I mean...) We thought it was either a sign that we would never have kids, or that we were going to have tons!  Isn't that nuts though?  What the fuck?!

Anyway, I just want to tell you, if you're experiencing this, that it's going to be okay.  Yes, you're going to feel like you're in a vacuum for a month or so, and no, you'll never forget the grief, and you'll always wonder, but seriously, it's going to be okay.  Just be there for your wife, and talk about it as much as you can.  Let her tell you how she feels as much as possible, and you do the same. You'll find solace when talking to friends with kids.  You'll hear their horror stories and you'll realize how common a thing this is.  You'll come out on top.  And it's true, like my friend said, you now know that you guys can have babies.  And you will.

After having to wait after my wife's second period, we tried again.  It was two days after her birthday, and the ovulation was on, y'all! My wife is now in her 5th month, and she and the baby are healthy.  It's so awesome.

I think back a lot to that little trailblazer.  I never knew it, I only heard its heartbeat once, but that little guy paved the way for the baby we are due to have in June.  And I'll love that little ranger's uterus recon forever for that.  Maybe you have two, or three, or more, just know that's it's okay.  Sometimes it takes longer for your wife's body to accept your trashy little jizz.  Just keep trying, just keep loving, and stay positive.  It's hard, but you guys will do it.

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